Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Ten Dudes to Avoid Like the Plague

Everyone's got issues, no one is excluded, and we're all at least a little emotionally damaged.  So it comes as no surprise that both men and women bring their emotional issues into their relationships.  The main difference between men and women, however, is that women tend to be better at relaying those emotional faults to their partner than men are.  And I'm not here to dispute why that is, I'm simply pointing out a fact.
Every girl understands that there are certain types of guys they should just steer clear of, and here is my list of the ten worst:

Dave the douche bag--First on the list, and probably the one dude you’ll deal with most often.  A plethora of Daves can be found anywhere, mostly at night in party hot spots like Miami, New York City, etc.  Good luck getting his attention in the horde of 20 something big breasted blondes who are most likely surrounding him.  Not to worry though, he’s probably already spotted you and is now plotting the quickest ways of getting you in your panties so he can return to his horde of whores.  Dave isn’t such a bad guy, as long as you realize that you won’t be more than a piece of ass to him.  He’ll make you think that you’re important, but in reality, he probably cares more about his ‘kicks’ than he does about you.

Baby Brian—Meet the man-CHILD who refuses to leave his mommy at home.  Perhaps Brian’s mom didn’t hug him enough as a child, or maybe she smothered him to the point of insanity, but in the end Brian is still just a pussy.  Things with Brian can typically go either one of two ways: he’ll want to spend every waking moment together or he’ll expect you to cater to his every whim.  Either way, you end up in a position where you are not only fulfilling the role of girlfriend, but the role of mom as well.  And really, who wants to fuck their kid?  Tell this kid to grow up or hit the curb because you are way too young to be somebody’s mother.

Johnny Jones—What girl doesn’t go gaga over a man with addictions?  I mean, come on, Doctor Gregory House is addicted to pain pills, but I’d let him operate on me any day of the week.  The sad truth, however, is that Doctor House doesn’t exist and that leaves us with the real addict.  Johnny doesn’t have to be addicted to drugs or alcohol in order to be an addict.  His new addiction may even be you.  Pair his new addiction to you with that hint of destructiveness that comes standard with most addictive personalities and you, my dear, now have the makings for a Lifetime Movie in which you are the star—and the victim.

Condescending Kirk—Kirk is an asshole, plain and simple.  Meet the man who specializes in ruining your mood and making you feel like dirt is more important than you are.  If you’re considering giving Kirk a try then my only advice to you is to make sure you’ve got emotions of steel or this man will crush them.  You’ll put everything you’ve got into this relationship and at the end of the day Kirk is most likely only going to shit on you.

Narcissistic Nick—Do you enjoy having friends who only talk and care about themselves?  That’s all you’re going to get from Nick:  he, himself, and him.  This kid is never to blame, and he would like for you to think that his you-know-what doesn’t stink, but the sad truth is that he’s just a pathetic little boy.  (A pathetic little boy who was obviously absent from school the day they taught us how to share and let others have a turn in the spotlight.) 

Heroic Harry—If you want to be the damsel in distress Harry will be more than willing to rescue you.  Aye, there’s the rub.  Harry is so set on rescuing the world that he has never taken the time to sort through his own issues, so what you, my love, are left with is a neurotic man who would rather save someone else than himself.  Typically this isn’t such a bad thing, but you also need to consider all the years of emotional distress this guy has been bottling up inside him.  Harry is a 2 liter bottle of Coke that has been shaken a bit too much, and it’s only a matter of time before that tiny plastic top is blown off and you are left cleaning up the sweet, sticky mess that used to be your hero.
Forlorn Frank—Think Eeyore in human form; and you’ll end up with Forlorn Frank.  This guy is the biggest pity rag of them all, and he’ll be sure to fill you in on that fact early in the relationship.  Judging by what he says, nothing positive has ever happened to this dude in his entire life.  Hobbies include feeling sorry for himself 24/7, sulking, writing depressing poetry, and ensuring that your mood never reaches happiness.

Lukewarm Lucas—Poor, poor Lucas; destined to be on my list purely because he is so painfully dull.  Essentially, this guy has no personality or strong opinions, because basically, he’s just an empty shell of a man.  You could compare him to vanilla pudding; he’s likable, but no one can really figure out why.  Fooling around with this guy is like buying a one way ticket to Dullsville, where Mr. Lucas has just been awarded the position of mayor.

Stephen the Steelers Fan—If you are the beautiful, intelligent, and amazing woman that I know you are, then you are also aware that you should never ever date a man who loves sports more than you.  I hate playing second fiddle to another woman, but I detest playing second fiddle to sports even more.  I’m not saying it’s a bad thing for your man to want to watch sports, but if he’s elevating those games to a position higher than you; that’s a definite pr
Curtis Cheat—Cheaters never win, and winners never cheat. 

I’d also like to add:  if he would cheat to be with you, then he would cheat to be with someone else.

No one is perfect, and every one of us probably has at least one trait of the guys I just mentioned.  But it’s up to you—the gorgeous and wonderful woman reading—to discern whether the guy in your life is worthy of your love.  You are beautiful, lovely, and worthy of authentic romance; remember that.

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