Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Last Ten; I Swear

Alright Ladies and Gents, here is the third—and final—list of 10 people you should  avoid/never want to be.  First up, we’ve got the five remaining chicks you don’t want to be:

Materialistic Melissa—Expensive men, expensive tastes, expensive cars, etc.—this girl takes everything at face value.  The depth of this girl probably couldn’t even fill a kiddy pool, to be honest.  Her boyfriend’s IQ need not surpass 100 as long as he is rich, fun, amazingly good looking and ready to shower Melissa with his undying attention and a stream of ever flowing gifts.  Typically, Melissa can be found hanging out by the pool on a warm, sunny day with her BFFs Bianca and Gia.

Sinister Sammi—She’s the chick who pretends to be nice, when in reality, she’s about as nasty as they come.  The smallest of conflicts will send Sammi into an uncontrollable rage and it isn’t long before everyone feels the wrath of her hell fire.  They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and these words couldn’t hold more truth for Ms. Sammi.  She’s manipulative, controlling, jealous, insecure, but she has deluded herself into believing that she’s nice.

Two-faced Trish—We’ve all encountered Trish at some point in our lives, and should be familiar with her antics.  Trish loves to gossip and ensures that she knows all the juicy details of everyone’s lives.  She’ll pretend to be your confidante, and patiently listen while you spill your deepest feelings to her—but you should also know that she’s going to repeat your dirty little secret to the next person she encounters.  She also loves creating drama, which makes her an instigator extraordinaire.  She likes to talk a big game, but she’s really a cowardly little girl.  Try confronting her about any of her BS, and all Trish will do is deny it.  She will fight you tooth and nail to prove that she didn’t do anything wrong, but she normally just ends up making herself look like even more of a dumbass.

Overly Emotional Elizabeth—Have you ever seen the movie Bubble Boy—because that’s exactly where Elizabeth belongs—inside a bubble.  Similar to Weeping Willow, Elizabeth seems to cry A LOT, but unlike Willow, Liz is crying because she actually IS that emotional.  The smallest amount of criticism will send Elizabeth sprinting for the Kleenex, and will leave you wondering why you ever started talking to her in the first place.  If you can’t handle the water works it’s probably best to steer clear of Liz.

Killjoy Kendra—Essentially, Kendra is the female version of Kirk—two individuals destined to be together.  She’s got an opinion about everything, and she’ll make sure you know every last one of them.  Appropriately named, Kendra will nag, complain, and argue until your entire mood has been murdered.
Still with me?  Only  five more to go.  And now, here are the dudes:

Nerdy Ned—I can’t take credit for this one, it was actually submitted by a Lovelyish reader in a comment on my former post, “Ten Dudes to Avoid Like the Plague.”  In her words Ned is a man with “too much intelligence, too little personality.”  And how right she is—there are few things worse than a man with brains who exhibits no social skills.  He need not be a Renaissance man, but if you can hear the proverbial crickets chirping while eating dinner with him, it’s probably time to move on.

Eager Evan—This dude is also the excellent creation of another Lovelyish reader.  Evan, in her opinion, is “always eager to please to the point where it gets annoying. He never ever gets mad, always buys you presents, and is so oblivious to everything that he doesn't notice when you're upset.”  Looks like she hit the nail right on the top of his oblivious little head.

Freud Ian—This is the guy who gives everyone he knows—most commonly his girlfriend—his personal psychiatric opinion.  He wants you to believe he knows your innermost thoughts and desires, but really, he’s just full of crap.  This is the guy to date if you want to be told how you feel.

Possessive Peter—Simply put, he’s the super jealous type.  It’s not you he doesn’t trust, it’s your guy friend.  At least, that’s what he’ll want you to believe.  This guy really isn’t all that bad, you just have to be willing to give up most friendships with dudes.  If you aren’t willing to do that, things between the two of you will probably end pretty quickly.

Papa Parker—Similar to Peter, Parker also wants to tell you who you’re allowed to associate with.  That’s not all he wants to do, though.  He also wants to tell you what to wear, where to go, when to go, etc.—complete with long discussions about the destructive paths you’ve been creating in your life.  Seek out this gem of a man if you want a second round of parenting.

Chances are that you’ve exhibited signs of some of the people mentioned during your lifetime.  The truth is, we all share some of the traits of the people listed above.  However, when that one trait begins to define your personality, that’s when you transform into a Gia, Parker, Peter, Ian, Kirk, Kendra, etc.  These 30 people are the extreme of the extreme.  Make a conscience effort NOT to become them, and you’ll be fine.

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